Sunday, November 27, 2005

Does a sharp tongue leave lasting wounds?

“You drive like an old lady…!”

Does every family gathering include one: An individual who seems to take pleasure in using his or her sharp tongue as a rapier to wound others, with particular attention directed at those closest to them? For some unbeknownst reason, in my family, I seem to be the favorite object of one such individual’s thrusts, which are often struck at my most unguarded moments, not infrequently with other friends and relatives present to serve as an embarrassed audience.

In yesterday’s instance the cut was evoked by my offer to drive to an event for which we were late (My habit of driving the speed limit, unless really pressed, is a source of some amusement, especially among younger family members) But the object of scorn can be almost anything. It is the frequency of the rapier thrusts and the skill with which they seek out vulnerable targets, rather than any specific theme that is an ever-present reality. My natural response is to give such an individual a wide birth and to keep defenses up when we are together. But this is hardly basis for a healthy familial relationship. Another is to respond in kind, escalating an offhand insult into a full blown conflict over nothing very substantial. This, too, seems counterproductive.

In an unguarded moment, my relative once provided insight why sarcasm, contemptuous asides and not-so-veiled insults are such a routine element in her discourse, especially with those who are – or seek to be – close to her. He was not referring to himself, but the words rang true. “I guess it is a defense mechanism,” he said. “People use sarcasm as a defense mechanism to cover up vulnerability, to hide what they are feeling and to keep people from getting too close to them.”

So “does a sharp tongue leave lasting wounds?” To be fully armored against the wounds of my relative’s tongue, though I know his insults have little to do with real shortcomings, seems impossible. If fact to go through life perpetually armored (even if that were possible) must be unhealthy. But over time, with practice, reflection and counseling, I have come to recognize that only the most blatant attacks need evoke any response at all.

Perhaps only a saint could live his or her life fully according to the Apostle Paul’s admonition in his first letter to the Christians of Corinth: “Love… is not easily angered [and] keeps no record of wrongs.”

I am no saint, but I have learned that keeping a record of wrongs is harmful to mind, body and soul. Sometimes, my relative’s sharp tongue will inflict its intended wounds, but I can choose not to have the wounds be lasting.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading the following, I'm confused...is your relative male or female? At one point you refer to the relative as "her", and then as "he/himself." And how old is he/she? Just curious...thanks!

In an unguarded moment, my relative once provided insight why sarcasm, contemptuous asides and not-so-veiled insults are such a routine element in her discourse, especially with those who are – or seek to be – close to her. He was not referring to himself, but the words rang true. “I guess it is a defense mechanism,” he said. “People use sarcasm as a defense mechanism to cover up vulnerability, to hide what they are feeling and to keep people from getting too close to them.”

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo. Kudos.

2:27 PM  
Anonymous Shue said...

Thanks for the article. While it is unbelievable how they could inflict pain on others without thinking, I understand that they may have some pain or baggages in the past. But that does not mean we can be their punching bag. It is also possible that they may not do it on purpose. It has just become very habitual for them. However, they must learn about their impact on others. At least they can choose to be more tactful and etc.

Last nite, I actually walked off during the "counter-unproductive" session so tonite, I wrote an email to the person explaining i was hurt by the comments. While it was wrong for me to walk away (although i did return to the table to resume the conversation),
I also explained to the person that this is something to be expected when we are dealt with hurtful remarks. They may be vulnerable but so are we. And I dunno what the response would be, but i believe it is good to let them/the person know that we were hurt so that they are aware.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is an issue I have had with my mother. She says hateful negative things that are meant to make you feel sorry for her. She is selfish and only thinks of herself. My family always tiptoes around her and lets ber have her way. I feel like I was and am a victim of her verbal abuse. I am a mature woman and still let her upset me even though I have my own beautiful family and live 300 miles away from her. Any helpful advice from someone who has overcome a similar situation is appreciated.

8:39 AM  

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