Opening Ourselves to Others Through "Meditative Attention."

The following passage is from my current early-morning read, Arthur Zajonc (2008) Meditation as Contemplative Inquiry, When Knowing Becomes Love.  When I read the passage, I thought of a few luminous conversations I have had with students, especially during the latter part of my decade-long residency in American University’s Anderson Hall.  It is a goal to which it is worth aspiring, even if only fully realized on rare and because of that, memorable, occasions.  The passage from Zajonc’s book follows:

Our meetings with others can be a repeated occasion for the cultivation of meditative attention.  If we are sufficiently practiced in cultivating the meditative state of mind, then taking a few breaths, settling into ourselves and attending gently, openly and completely to the other is usually sufficient for a recognizable inner shift to take place.  We drop the combative stance, we live into the thoughts of the other, and so are practicing a form of self attention.  We need not correct what may be mistakes of fact or differences of opinion.  In this moment, we are positive and open to each other.  What we achieved in our preliminary solitary exercises becomes of practical use in relationships.  In my experience, the visual background surrounding my conversation fades and the face and voice of the partner are all that remains.  The exchange can even take a joyful sacramental character as a mutual recognition of the divine within each other suddenly arises.  

Reflections on "love."

My mother, certainly the most influential woman in my life, was sparing in her praise. I believe that child-rearing practices in the 1940s, when I was being reared, emphasized discipline rather than affirmation. And the world “love” almost never crossed her lips - at least in my presence. Apart from literary allusions - she could be the most vibrant, engaging conversationalist I have ever met - I only heard her use the word twice in serious conversation. Once she told me she believed I was “in love” with someone. Since we had never discussed such matters, I was dumbfounded at her perceptiveness. It was true. On another occasion, when I told her that I “loved” a difficult close relative we had in common, who was facing a crisis in her life, she responded “I don’t know what that would mean.” I know others whose use of the term is equally infrequent. Perhaps they believe that their “love” is like a precious jewel that would lose its value if reproduced in large quantities or a non-interest drawing savings account that would run a deficit if too many withdrawals were made. My mother said as much about her view of the matter, when I once asked her about this.

Christian marriage vows include promises to “love and honor” however I am convinced that most individuals making such pledges have little appreciation of what they might mean. Certainly this is true in the case of first marriages but frequently in the case of second or subsequent marriages as well. For many, perhaps most, a more descriptive pledge would be, “I promise to love and honor you, as long as we both shall live, so long as you fulfill my expectations.” Why is this so?

My thinking on the topic of “love” has been enriched by a distinction - between “love” and “attachment” that the Dalai Lama emphasizes in several of his books. Being “in love” which is the initial basis for most intimate relationships and, I believe, most decisions to marry, is almost always based on “attachment.” Attachment is significantly tied to physical attraction, but also, typically, to shared interests, congeniality, shared cultural compatibility and perhaps a need to feel loved and to feel secure. For women, especially in traditional societies, a stable income source to provide for themselves and children has also been a consideration, though this less true today. Attachment often involves dependence, which stifles authentic communication. This complicates the possibility of lasting relationships and lasting “love” still further. When circumstances change, attachment fades. “You are not the woman - or man - I married” one or both ‘partners’ will say or feel. This, of course, is inevitably true - not only of marriages but of any long-term close relationships.

“Compassion” is a term the Dalai Lama sometimes equates with love. In one of his writings he offers a powerful illustration. He tells of a monk who spent seventeen years in “a Chinese Gulag” where periodic torture was part of the regimen. Later they became friends. “On several occasions,” the monk recounted, “I faced serious danger.” “What was the danger?” the Dalai Lama asked. “Being unable to love and show compassion toward my Chinese guards” was the response. Mahatma Ghandi, believed that God was love and that oppressors should be loved, though not their evil deeds. A similar message is found in many quoted sayings of Jesus, chronicled in the Gospels of the Christian Bible. I common theme in all of these equates love with unconditional acceptance.

Perhaps my favorite passage on love is from a friend of many years, the late Donella (Dana) Meadows. Dana wrote:

Love is receiving someone in a space of total trust, openness, good will, acceptance.

I can take each person I know and rank them on a scale which is the degree of openness and love with which I receive them – the amount of careful attention I am willing to give them, the ability I have to be with them. Notice that the quality lies in me, not them.

Some people in my world are objects, which I have a fixed concept about and am not at all open to any information to the contrary.

I can change who they are just by opening myself to them.

What Dana is saying, in a somewhat more personal way, is similar to the wisdom offered by the Dalai Lama, by Buddha, Jesus, by Gandhi, by the monk who was released after 17 years of imprisonment and many others. The world around us and those who inhabit it are, in large degree, an artifact that we create. Should we wish to live in a world that is mostly inhabited by lovable people, and have such a “reality” be the basis for loving relationships, we have that choice.

A beautiful couple

I often reflect on the gap between the real and the ideal in marriages I observe. It it is particularly evident in older couples I see shopping or traveling together. At best these couples seem bored with each other or indifferent to one another. At worst they seem openly hostile. They are ugly couples. There is no joy in their relationship. How did this happen? I wonder what they looked like on the day when those who are “coupled” seem most beautiful to each other - and to others - on their wedding day.

Sitting next to me on my Doha - Washington flight is a couple, in their mid eighties I would guess, who are just as beautiful now as they must have seemed on their wedding day. Both the man and woman seem frail but resilient. That they care for each other is evident in the careful attention they give to each other. They seem to radiate civility, grace and good humor. They seem to take joy in each other’s company and in living. What a pleasure it has been, on this fourteen hour-trip, to observe them and be in their presence.

A bleak picture of how things are on our planet - and a message of empowerment

I have begun my fourth audiobook from among the Dalai Lama’s writings. The title is ‘How to expand love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships.’  The voice of His Holiness’ translator from 1979 to 1989, Professor P. Jeffrey Hopkins, has become a frequent companion.

The following excerpt from Professor Hopkins’ introduction provides a succinct, bleak  picture of humanity-created trends on our planet. He describes them as ‘dark forces:’   

• increasing tendencies toward greed, exploitation and lust.  
• rampant consumerism;  
• incessant manipulation of opinions that reinforce coarse urges; 
• the ubiquitous presence of contentless entertainment;   
• increasing divides between rich and poor;  
• sound-byte explanations for complexities of human existence;  
• overeating to the point of pain and obesity ;  
• movements to roll back worker rights to 19th century levels; 
• a ridiculous emphasis on economic profit as if this could be the only goal of breathing. 
  

Sadly, these trends dominate  many facets American culture.  It is the ubiquitous influence of our culture that is catalyzing similar trends globally.

But the Dalai Lama’s message is one of hope and empowerment, not despair.  The path to altering these trends can - indeed must - begin with transformation of ourselves. Seeking enlightenment, for the welfare of all, must become part of a daily practice. The task requires time, effort, patience and discipline. But it is possible.